I’m SubstanceSad4342. A year ago, I was diagnosed with HIV.

Reaching "undetectable" was supposed to feel like freedom. I take my pill every day without fail, knowing that the virus inside me is suppressed, that I can’t pass it on to anyone. The science is clear: undetectable equals untransmittable. In theory, that knowledge should be enough to lift the weight off my shoulders, to make me feel like I’ve reclaimed my life.

But in many ways, I am still not free.

I carry an invisible burden—one that doesn’t show up in my lab results but exists in every interaction, every moment of self-reflection. The weight of disclosure presses on me like a constant, unspoken question: **Who deserves to know? Who can I trust? Will they still see me the same way once they do?** The fear of rejection lingers, a shadow that creeps into my thoughts every time I think about love, intimacy, or even just the possibility of being fully seen by someone else.

The stigma is everywhere. It’s in the hushed conversations, in the misinformation that spreads online, in the way people still react to the words "HIV-positive" as if they carry a death sentence. It’s in the hesitation I see in myself — how I hold back from forming connections because I don’t know if I can bear the pain of someone walking away after learning my truth.

Being undetectable means my body is safe. But my heart? My mind? Those are battles I still fight every single day.

## **The Day Everything Changed**

The moment I was diagnosed, my world collapsed. It wasn’t just shock — it was a complete unraveling of everything I thought I knew about myself and my future. It felt like my body had betrayed me, like I had suddenly become a stranger to myself. I stared at the walls, numb, unable to process the words that had just been spoken to me. The room felt too small, the air too thick, my thoughts racing too fast to hold onto any one of them.

I had seen the statistics. I knew that with treatment, HIV is manageable, that people live long, healthy lives. I had read the success stories, the reassurance that science had made it possible to suppress the virus to the point of being undetectable and untransmittable. But in that moment, none of it mattered. Logic couldn’t reach me through the fog of fear. All I could feel was the weight of a future I could no longer predict — the uncertainty, the stigma, the endless what-ifs.

Would I ever feel normal again? Would I ever be loved? Would I always carry this invisible mark, defining me before anything else?

The fear settled deep in my bones, and for a long time, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to shake it.

## **Undetectable, but Not Free**

Reaching undetectable status was supposed to be a turning point, a milestone that marked a return to something close to normal. I did everything right—I took my medication religiously, I followed my doctor’s advice, and I reached the point where the virus in my body was suppressed to the extent that I couldn’t transmit it to anyone. On paper, I was healthy. Science had done its part.

But science doesn’t erase stigma.

People assume that once you’re undetectable, life just picks up where it left off. That you can breathe easy, move forward without looking back. But what no one tells you is how heavy the mental burden still is. The virus may not show up in my blood, but it lingers in my mind, in my relationships, in every interaction where I wonder: *Will they still see me the same way?*

I wake up every day knowing that, for some people, my status alone is enough to make them walk away. That no matter how safe I am, no matter how much I explain, fear and ignorance can overpower facts. It’s a truth I have to carry with me, a quiet, invisible weight that doesn’t disappear with a pill.

I am undetectable. But I am not free.

## **The Fear of Disclosure**

I have not told a single person in my life. No family. No friends. The only people who know are the medical professionals who handed me my diagnosis, who saw me break down in that cold, sterile room, and who reassured me that I would be okay. But outside of that space, I carry this truth alone.

The thought of telling someone feels like handing them a loaded gun and hoping they won’t pull the trigger. It’s placing my trust in their hands and praying that they won’t look at me differently, that they won’t let fear twist the way they see me.

But how can I be sure?

Will they see me as dirty? Will they whisper behind my back, turning my name into a hushed secret? Will they reduce my entire existence to this one fact, forgetting the person I was before they knew?

I rehearse the conversation in my head — how I would say it, how I would try to explain that I am undetectable, that I cannot pass this on, that I am just as safe as anyone else. But facts don’t always change minds. People hear HIV, and they don’t think about science. They think about fear. About stigma. About all the misinformation that still circulates, despite how far medicine has come.

And so, I stay silent.

Because silence, at least, is safe.

## **Love, Relationships, and the Walls I Build**

I want to love and be loved. That longing hasn’t changed. I still dream of warmth, of deep conversations at midnight, of a hand reaching for mine without hesitation. But how do I open my heart when the fear of rejection feels like a noose around my neck?

I imagine falling for someone — letting my guard down, sharing my laughter, my quiet moments, my deepest thoughts — only to watch their expression shift when I tell them my status. The hesitation in their eyes, the retreat in their body language. The polite reassurances that quickly turn into distance. I have seen it happen to others. I don’t know if I could bear it happening to me.

I am tired of seeing HIV turned into a punchline, a warning, a whispered fear. In movies, in conversations, in casual jokes, it is always something to be avoided, something to be afraid of. I hear people say *"Be careful, you don’t want to end up like that."* As if *that* is all I am now—an outcome, a mistake, a lesson in someone else’s cautionary tale.

But I am not a warning.

I am a person. I am more than my diagnosis. And yet, no matter how many times I tell myself that, I don’t know if I will ever truly feel *worthy* of love again. Not when I am constantly reminded that there are people who believe I don’t deserve it.

So I build walls. I avoid getting too close. I let connections fade before they have the chance to deepen. Because protecting myself from rejection feels easier than risking the pain of being turned away.

But deep down, I still hope. I hope that one day, I will meet someone who sees me for who I am — not for the virus that lives inside me, not for the stigma that shadows me, but for *me*. Someone who will love me without hesitation, without fear, without shame. Someone who will stay.

## **Living With Hope**

Despite everything — the fear, the loneliness, the walls I’ve built — I still hold on to hope. It’s fragile, sometimes faint, but it’s there, like a flickering light in the distance.

I hope that one day, I will find the courage to tell someone, to look them in the eyes and speak my truth without my voice shaking, without my heart bracing for rejection. And more than that, I hope that when I do, I will be met with love instead of fear, with understanding instead of judgment.

I hope that society will evolve. That HIV will no longer carry the same outdated stigma that weighs so heavily on people like me. That education will replace ignorance, and compassion will overpower prejudice. That we will reach a point where disclosing my status will not feel like walking a tightrope over a pit of shame and rejection.

Most of all, I hope that people like me — the undetectable but not free — will find the peace we deserve. That we will no longer have to live in the shadows of our diagnosis, afraid of what the world might say. That we can love, be loved, and move through life without the constant fear of being reduced to a single word.

Until then, I keep moving forward.

One pill, one day, one breath at a time.

I used to think freedom meant being cured. That if I could just reach a place where the virus was no longer detectable, everything else would fall into place. But the past year has taught me that freedom is much more complicated than that. It is not just about the absence of a physical threat—it is about the weight I carry in my mind, the fears I wake up with, and the battles I fight in silence.

I am undetectable. I am supposed to feel safe. But safety and freedom are not the same thing. My body is no longer a risk to anyone, yet my heart still feels untouchable. I am constantly navigating a world where my status could change everything — where a single moment of honesty could turn into a moment of loss.

I want to believe that one day, disclosure will not feel like a gamble. That I will not have to choose between love and secrecy, between honesty and the risk of rejection. I want to believe that I will find someone who does not see me as a burden, a consequence, or something to fear. That I will not always have to carry this weight alone.

But I also know that before I can expect anyone else to accept me, I have to accept myself. And that is the hardest part. Because every time I think I have, I hear another cruel joke, another misinformed comment, another reminder that HIV still exists in the shadows of misunderstanding. Every time I think I am ready, the fear creeps back in.

Still, I am trying. Trying to unlearn the shame, trying to believe that I am worthy of love, trying to build a life where I do not feel like I have to hide. Some days, it feels impossible. Other days, I catch a glimpse of the life I could have  —the one where I am open, accepted, and free.

That is the version of me I am fighting for. Not just someone who is undetectable, but someone who is unafraid. Someone who does not just survive but lives fully. Someone who can love without hesitation, without fear, without walls.

I do not know how long it will take. I do not know when I will finally feel free. But I do know that I will get there.

One step at a time.

**Also Read: 28-year-old male's personal** [**<u>HIV story</u>**](https://www.shamelesspath.com/blog/std-stories/hiv-positive-not-dangerous)

<p>HIV doesn't define me, but stigma still does. Here's my journey from diagnosis to hope, and the struggle to feel seen and loved beyond my status.</p>

I Am More Than HIV — But Will the World Ever See That?

HIV doesn't define me, but stigma still does. Here's my journey from diagnosis to hope, and the struggle to feel seen and loved beyond my status.