You never forget the moment your life splits in two: before and after. For me, that moment was February 2023. I was sitting alone, reading the results I already suspected but still wasn’t prepared to face. The words *HIV positive* didn’t just sit on the screen — they echoed, roared, and ripped through the walls of everything I thought I knew about my life. I didn’t cry right away. I just froze. Numb. Disconnected.

I’d always had anxiety, always feared the worst in every cough, headache, or missed heartbeat. I was a self-proclaimed hypochondriac. But this — this was the fear I’d built my entire adult life around. The one thing I prayed would never happen to me, no matter what else did. And yet there it was. Confirmed. Real.

In that moment, the world didn’t end in flames — it just went silent. Quieter than I could stand. My body was still here, but I didn’t feel like me anymore. I remember thinking, *So this is how it happens. This is how my life changes forever.* I didn’t know if I was supposed to scream, get angry, or start mourning. I just sat there and let it wash over me like a tide I didn’t have the strength to fight.

I told no one. Not at first. Not because I didn’t want comfort, but because I didn’t know *how* to be comforted. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want to be seen as “less than.” And I didn’t know how to ask for support without feeling like a burden. In those first few months, I retreated inward. The outside world kept moving, but I had stopped.

I’m Delicious\_Treat\_7769 and this is how I eventually found my way back. Not to the life I had before — but to a new version of myself. One that’s stronger. One that’s softer. One that has been cracked open, but not broken.

## **The Moment Everything Collapsed**

I remember the date like a scar etched into my timeline — February 2023. The kind of date that splits your life into two chapters: *before* and *after*. I was expecting answers. Maybe even clarity. But nothing could’ve prepared me for the stillness that followed those three words: *HIV positive*.

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. No gasps. No explanations. Just stillness — like even time didn’t know what to do with what had just been said. And in that silence, my mind began screaming. *This is it. This is how I die. This is the end of everything I know.*

For someone who lives with anxiety — a constant awareness of every heartbeat, every odd ache, every "what if" — this felt like the final destination of every fear I had ever rehearsed. My body felt like it was shutting down. My vision tunneled. My hands trembled. I remember sitting there, staring at the wall, trying to remember how to breathe like a normal person. But nothing about this was normal.

It was like the world had tilted on its axis and I was falling off the edge of it — silently, invisibly, alone.

## **The Lonely, Quiet War Inside Me**

The first five to six months after my diagnosis were the hardest. Not in the dramatic, falling-to-my-knees kind of way. It was quieter than that. A numb sort of ache that settled into my skin and made itself at home. Every morning felt like waking up to grief. Not for someone I’d lost — but for the person I used to be. I’d open my eyes and for a split second, everything would feel normal. And then I’d remember. And it would hit me all over again.

I didn’t recognize myself anymore. The mirror didn’t change, but I did. My body felt unfamiliar. My thoughts were heavy. I moved through the world, smiling and talking like I always had, but I was only half-present. Inside, my brain whispered things I wouldn’t dare say aloud:
**You’re different now. You’re broken. You’re dangerous. Who’s going to love you like this?**

I didn’t tell people. Only my mom and one close friend knew. I couldn’t stomach the thought of being seen through a new, distorted lens. I didn’t want to be pitied. I didn’t want to become a story people whispered about. I didn’t want anyone’s fear contaminating my already fragile sense of self.

So I kept it all in. Swallowed it. Buried it.

Dating became a kind of emotional limbo. I craved connection—deeply. I longed for someone to reach in and remind me I was still worthy, still lovable, still me. But the idea of disclosure felt like standing at the edge of a cliff with no guarantee the ground would still be there after I jumped. So I took things painfully slow. I let conversations linger but never deepen. I built soft walls with my silence. I stayed just enough to feel wanted, and then quietly slipped away before vulnerability demanded the truth.

It wasn’t because I was dishonest — it was because I was terrified. Terrified that once someone saw **this** part of me, they’d walk away. And I wasn’t sure I could survive that kind of rejection yet.

So I lived in a delicate balance of hope and fear. Of wanting to be known and choosing to stay hidden. That’s what made those first few months so lonely. Not the virus. Not the pills. But the quiet war inside me — the one that no one could see, but I felt every single day.

## **Swallowing the First Pill**

Taking that first pill wasn’t some brave, triumphant moment. It wasn’t empowering. It wasn’t hopeful. It felt like defeat. It felt like surrendering to something I never asked for.

There it was — small, ordinary, sitting in my palm like it wasn’t about to change the course of my life. My fingers trembled slightly as I stared at it, thinking:
**So this is it. This is what my life comes down to. One tiny pill to keep death away.**

Swallowing it was surreal. I imagined it dissolving inside me, not just into my bloodstream, but into my identity. From now on, this was part of who I was. Not just a human being, but a human being whose survival hinged on pharmaceutical precision. I didn’t feel strong. I didn’t feel lucky to have access to treatment. I felt robbed of something I couldn’t quite name — maybe a sense of innocence. Or control.

The worst part wasn’t the act itself — it was what the pill represented.
That one missed dose, one delay in picking up a refill, one moment of forgetfulness… and everything could change. The weight of that responsibility was suffocating. How do you live freely when your health feels like a countdown tied to the reliability of a pharmacy?

But here’s the strange thing about time — it doesn’t erase pain, but it dulls the sharp edges. Eventually, the fear softened. The act of taking my pill stopped feeling like a death sentence and started feeling like a quiet, steady kind of survival. It wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t glorious. But it was life.

And slowly, that little pill became something else entirely.
Not a burden, not a punishment — **a promise**.

A promise that I still had time.
A promise that I could plan things again — dream again.
A promise that this diagnosis wasn’t the period at the end of my story, but maybe just a comma.

I still think about that first swallow sometimes. How bitter it tasted. How heavy it sat in my stomach. But now, when I take it, I don’t taste fear anymore. I taste resilience. Quiet, unshakable resilience.

## **Love in the Mirror of Someone Like Me**

Then something happened — something I wasn’t expecting, something gentle but profound.

I met someone.

Not just anyone, but someone who shared the same invisible reality I carried every day. He was also HIV positive. Also undetectable. Also walking this road I thought I’d be traveling alone.

And suddenly, the weight I had grown so used to holding — this heavy, silent burden of shame, secrecy, and fear — didn’t feel so crushing anymore.
Because in him, I saw a reflection of myself. Not the version of me that was broken or ashamed, but the version I was trying so hard to become: whole, resilient, and still deserving of love.

For the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to shrink myself to be loved. I didn’t feel like I had to explain why I was still worthy. There were no disclaimers, no awkward disclosures, no panic about when or how to “tell him.” He already knew. He *understood*. We didn’t have to skip over the hard stuff — like the constant lab work, the pharmacy runs, the subtle fear that never quite disappears. We could talk about the side effects of meds the same way other couples talk about grocery lists.

But we also talked about joy. About our favorite foods. About music that got us through our lowest days. About dreams that still dared to exist. We laughed — a lot. Not because everything was perfect, but because for once, we didn’t feel so alone in the imperfection.

Being with him felt like breathing again. Like I had been underwater this whole time and finally found the surface.

It’s hard to put into words how healing it is to be loved by someone who *gets it*. Not just tolerates it. Not just accepts it. But *lives it* too. There was no pressure to be “normal” again. No need to prove anything. Just presence. Just tenderness.

And in that space, I began to find myself again.

I started to believe that maybe my life wasn’t paused. Maybe I wasn’t stuck in a “before and after” narrative. Maybe life had kept going all along — and I was just now catching up to it. Maybe this chapter wasn’t written in tragedy, but in quiet, courageous love.

It wasn’t some grand, dramatic moment. It was small things — like being held without flinching. Like being able to say “I’m scared” without having to explain why. Like being reminded that I’m still here. That I still matter.

And I do.

I’m not broken. I’m not alone. I’m not unlovable.

I’m just someone who found love in the mirror of someone like me — and finally started to feel like I was home.

## **This Isn’t the End**

Two years ago, I was sure my story had ended. I thought those three words — **“HIV positive”**—were the final lines of my life as I knew it.
I imagined a slow unraveling. A lonely decline. A tragedy I’d have to watch in real time.

But I was wrong.

Because here I am.

Still breathing. Still waking up each morning. Still laughing at the silly things. Still reaching for dreams. Still learning who I am, piece by piece. And maybe most importantly — still *loving* and being *loved*.

It hasn’t been easy. Some days have cracked me open in ways I never expected. The fear, the isolation, the shame — I’ve wrestled with them all. But what I’ve learned is this: the human spirit is stubborn. It wants to heal. It wants to hope. Even when we don’t think we deserve it, even when we’re at our lowest, it quietly fights for us.

To anyone reading this who’s just been diagnosed — whether it was today, last week, or even months ago — I want to say something I wish someone had said to me:
**You’re going to be okay.** Maybe not right away. Maybe not every single day. But you will find your footing again. You will rebuild your peace. You will laugh again — deep belly laughs, the kind that feel like sunlight.

You are not broken.
You are not dangerous.
You are not less.

You are still *you*. And that’s enough. More than enough.

Your life isn’t over. In fact, a new one might just be beginning—one that’s quieter, more intentional, more aware of how precious every moment truly is.

This diagnosis might feel like a detour, but it’s not a dead end.
**This isn’t the end.**

It’s a turning point.
And you are allowed to turn toward healing. Toward joy. Toward love.
Toward *you*, again.

**Also Read: Woman's** [**<u>HIV story</u>**](https://www.shamelesspath.com/blog/std-stories/hiv-ruined-my-chance) **(age 35)**

<p>I’m HIV positive, but that doesn’t make me dangerous. This is the story of how I found strength, softness, and love after the silence.</p>

I’m HIV Positive. That Doesn’t Make Me Dangerous.

I’m HIV positive, but that doesn’t make me dangerous. This is the story of how I found strength, softness, and love after the silence.

I’m HIV Positive. That Doesn’t Make Me Dangerous.

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