I never thought I would meet someone who could make me feel this way—like I was finally seen, cherished, and understood. At 34, dating had always been a challenge. As a police officer, I’m naturally cautious about who I let into my life, and it’s rare for me to feel a real connection with someone. It has been two years since I felt a connection with someone. But when I met him, a 32-year-old doctor, everything felt different and that I have never met anyone like him before.
We met during the Christmas season, and he swept me off my feet with romantic dates—dinners, a winter wonderland outing, similar humour and thoughtful conversations. It wasn’t long before he asked me to be his girlfriend. He talked about our future, about trips we’d take together. He even bought me a Christmas gift, something no man had ever done for me so early on. It felt real, like I had finally found someone who saw me for who I was and wanted me in his life. I started to develop feelings for him and saw him as someone I could see long term potential in.
I was careful with intimacy, wanting to take things slow, not just because of my past but because I was searching for something meaningful. When the time came, I knew I had to be honest. I had been living with genital herpes (HSV-1) for ten years, something I contracted through oral sex. It was a part of me, but it didn’t define me. I had done my research, taken all precautions, and was prepared to have that difficult conversation with him before we became intimate.
At first, he seemed understanding. He asked questions, and I answered them all, giving him information, statistics, and reassurances. He chose to continue with me, and we had sex that night using protection. But the next morning, everything changed. His behavior became erratic—one moment, he was affectionate, the next, he acted like I was contaminated, refusing to touch me but wanting me to touch him. His words and actions cut deep.
Over the next few weeks, I tried to believe that he had accepted me. He continued to see me, initiating intimacy multiple times. He called me beautiful, planned future dates, and told me he missed me. I thought he was coming to terms with everything, but in reality, he was distancing himself while leading me on. Then, suddenly, he disappeared for four days before finally calling me—only to end things because of my diagnosis.
It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about the bond we had built. It was about herpes. That one thing overshadowed everything else, and it shattered me.
This is my story.
What Was Your Mindset About Dating Before You Disclosed, and How Did You Prepare for the Conversation?
Dating has never been easy for me. I don’t fall for people quickly, and connections don’t come often. I’ve always been the type to take my time, to observe, to make sure someone is truly worth my energy before I let them in. As a police officer, I already have to be extra careful about who I trust, and that makes dating even harder. It’s bad enough having to tell someone what I do for a living—let alone disclosing something as personal as having herpes.
For me, dating has always been about seeing where things go. I never really worried about when or how I would disclose my diagnosis unless I got past the third or fourth date. If I didn’t feel a real connection by then, it wouldn’t matter. Most dates never even made it that far, so I never had to think about it. But with him, things were different.
From the very start, I knew I had to be careful. I didn’t want to tell him too soon—I needed to know if he was genuinely interested in me as a person before sharing something so private. I’ve seen too many men with bad intentions, men who just want something casual or don’t even know what they’re looking for. I wasn’t about to risk opening up to someone who wasn’t serious. I was at a point in my life where I wanted something real, something that could lead to marriage. And because of that, I wasn’t willing to rush into sex or intimacy until I was sure.
As our connection grew stronger, I knew it was time to start preparing for the conversation. I confided in a close friend, talking through my fears and worries. I knew this was something I had to handle carefully. I thought about exactly what I would say, making sure I had all my facts straight. I wanted to be confident, to be clear, to make sure he understood that herpes didn’t define me. But deep down, I was scared. I was terrified that he would see me differently, that he would regret being with me. And as much as I tried to prepare myself, nothing could have truly prepared me for what happened next.
When you first told him, what was his immediate reaction, and did it change over time?
Telling him was one of the hardest and scariest things I’ve ever done as I liked him. He could tell I was anxious as he could hear my heart beating fast. I went quiet for a while and struggled to get the words out of my mouth. Once I managed to push the words out of my mouth and I told him I had HERPES, I spoke a lot about it.
His immediate reaction, I guess he was abit shocked and didn’t expect me to say it. At first he acted sad and was like ‘Nooo’, I’m not too sure if it was feeling sorry for me as I got it 10 years ago from my high school crush, who I was seeing after college and he was only the second person I’d been with sexually. I got it through oral sex as he had a cold sore of his lips. He said he was sad because it happened to be and I’m a nice person and that it’s not fair. Then I spoke to him about trying to give him as much information as possible on it and how to have safe sex. I also gave him statistics that 70% of the population in this country had HSV1 station and 1 in 8 had HSV2. I answered loads of questions he had and was surprised about his lack of knowledge on it was he was a doctor. I then though he was ok with it as he started kissing me and touching my breasts. I then got ready for bed. Once in bed he initiated sex, I was happy not to do it and we had just sex with a condom, no oral and he did not touch me down there. Then after sex we spoke about herpes again, as he seemed a little nervous and we spoke to it for an hour until 330am. He seemed calm and I answered more questions he had and he said he knew some nurses at work that got it and started naming them, it must have been three nurses and I thought he was accepting it as he was relating to nurses at work who disclosed they had it.
That night when I fell asleep with him spooning me, I had a dream he was going to leave me. I woke up in panic and told him I had a bad dream and he comforted me.
The next morning, in my horror he overreacted said herpes was a “PROBLEM” for him, but said he liked me ‘SO MUCH’ and we spoke about herpes again, he seemed abit anxious and after talking seemed ok. He spooned me and then kept trying it on with me, by kissing me and initiating more such as going to touch me down there, but then kept stoping when he wanted to touch my vagina, treating me like I had the black plague or AIDS, but he wanted me to touch his penis. I turned away from him and stopped and he kept being over insensitive, also saying he didn’t want to catch it, but he kept initiating things again, touching my breasts and then stopping when he wanted to touch my vagina and his behaviour made me hysterically cry in front of hm for a few minutes. I feel he didn’t really comfort me how I wanted and he didn’t tell me it’s going to be ok. I then then heard him make a crying sound for a few seconds, I thought he was crying because he was upset me made me cry and because he hurt me. I immediately turned to check he was ok,
But now I feel he cried to take the focus away of why I was crying. But looking back it may have been fake so he didn’t have to take accountability for his actions and to take advantage of my caring nature. He acknowledged he was being a ‘DICK’, that he was being and ‘IDIOT’. I was still crying and told him ‘IM SCARED’ and that I was worried that he was going to throw away something great as our connection was rare. He responded that our relationship was ‘perfect’, which was confusing. I wanted him to say everything would be ok, that he still wanted to be with me and that he’s not going anywhere as I had been so vulnerable telling him about the herpes and risk sabotaging the entire relationship, but I didn’t have a choice. He then tried it on again but I had to get ready and leave for work.
I asked him if he wanted to see me again before I left for work for reassurance, after I disclosed herpes and he said he wanted to see me again. He kept kissing me as was leaving for work. I cried all the way to work and on and off all day and his actions really fucked my head up and made me anxious he was going to leave.
When I was at work he messaged me after I left saying he missed me and hearted the photos I sent him of us.
We planned another date to meet and he was messaging me all week before this date. As he kissed me before I left his address last time, was still messaging me and we had another date planned, I thought this meant he was slowly accepting the herpes.
On the next time we met he had sex with me 5 times using a condom, all initiated by him, no oral from him but he wanted me to give him oral and I did. He only touched me down there after he finished , to finish me off and he then he would wash his hands after each time, being over careful and making sure I washed my hands too. I believe he didn’t want to touch me down there before sex, before he finished as he didn’t want to risk touching me and then touching his genitals. The risk would have been extremely low as I have not had an outbreak in over two years, it did make me feel abit dirty, but I thought he was slowing my getting use to things sexually. He did not give me oral down there at all, I did not expect him to give me oral down there, I did not ask for it and was ok with no oral on me. We only did the sexual things he was happy and comfortable with as I thought he was getting use to how to manage sleeping with me safely because of the herpes. I did not want to push for anything and I thought he come a long way this time and he would get better with time.
After the 5th time we had sex he got anxious because he saw a shaving rash on my bikini line and asked his it was herpes. I told him it was a shaving rash and I don’t get herpes there and that the herpes, if I got a sore would be by vagina entrance, which I also explained to him the first time , the location I get it. I also told him I would not be intimate if I had an outbreak. I would never of had sex, if I had know he didn’t accept the herpes at all and was planning on ended it. I thought he accepted it and was slowly getting comfortable with the idea. He kept staring into my eyes multiple times and calling me BEAUTIFUL throughout the day, when we was having a chilled day at his playing games and I made him brownies. I left his address late to go home as I had work early the next day and had to feed my cats. But he asked me to stay again and I told him I couldn’t as I don’t have my uniform with me and I have responsibilities. As I left me was kissing me again.. We planned a date for TUESDAY, 10 days time, around our shifts.
I found that during the two and a half weeks after I told him about the herpes , his communication changed slightly, but he blamed this on this work and being tired. However, he met up with me during this time and had sex with me, he was still telling me that he wanted to go ireland with me. He was telling me he missed me, he missed kissing me and cares about me and he had feelings for me. We also had a few phone calls during this time for an hour to three hours. He also commented on my WhatsApp profile picture saying, it showed too much boob and that he didn’t want other men looking at me and that I was his! We also talked about meeting each others friends in the future. He sent a text saying that he would do me forever when I asked if he could live forever, what would he do. I told him I cooked a food cuisine from where he was from, he told me he can’t wait for me to cook for him again. He also talked about our up coming date, that he planned our date and that we would get the earrings fixed he bought me for Christmas on Tuesday as one of the tiny crystals had come out.
He also tried having phone sex during one of our phone conversations with me a few days before he dumped me.
He never told me he didn’t accept it afterwards the last time I met him.
His reaction got worse over time as he dumped me sorely for having herpes. He become distant and ignored me days before dumping me, which caused me anxiety and knew deep down something was wrong. I had a strong GUT feeling that he was going to dumped me but I didn’t know why.
He said before he dumped me he was anxious all week after sleeping with me, first I’ve heard of it. Because he didn’t feel good, but it turns out it was covid or his infected tooth. And he said he ‘WOULD NEVER ACCEPT HERPES’, that he was unwilling to look at solutions and he doesn’t want to worry about being careful. He said it was better to end it now before we got more feelings. I asked him if there was another reason for wanting to end it and he simply said no, it’s solely because of the herpes, which made me think his feelings were lies.
I think he did more research on Google and made him see it worse than it is. He acknowledged he was being silly. Not sure if he spoke to one of his friends also who I know has a negative view / anxiety’s about STDs and influenced his decision to dump me.
This might be nieve of me, but part of me thought because he was a doctor, that be would be more understanding than the normal person and more accepting. But I was wrong and he had had the worse reaction out of anyone I have ever told before. I didn’t think he would make judgments on illnesses and I thought he would be more caring in nature, and herpes wouldn’t really bother him because he was a doctor.
Do You Think He Actually Researched Herpes, or Was He Just Going Through the Motions?
He told me he had done loads of reading on herpes after our first conversation. When he said
that, I felt a small sense of relief. I thought, Okay, maybe he understands now. Maybe he’s coming to terms with it. And when we met again, he initiated sex multiple times—five times, in fact—over the course of a day and a half. That gave me hope. If he was still willing to be intimate, surely that meant he had accepted it, right?
But looking back, I don’t think he truly researched it in a way that was helpful. I don’t know where he got his information from, but I have a feeling he just went down a Google rabbit hole and scared himself even more. He started to believe things that weren’t true—that herpes was highly infectious all the time, even when I had no sores. That’s not how it works, and I had already explained that to him. It made me think he hadn’t actually absorbed the information I gave him.
Instead of learning, he let his fear take over. His reaction didn’t get better with time—it got worse. The more time passed, the more distant he became. And when he finally dumped me, he admitted that he had been anxious all week after sleeping with me, worrying that he had caught something. He even thought he was sick because of herpes—but it turned out he just had COVID/ because of his infected tooth.
If he had truly done his research, he would have known that herpes isn’t as terrifying as he made it out to be. He would have known that the precautions we took—using condoms, avoiding oral—made the risk incredibly low. But I don’t think he ever wanted to understand. I think he went into it with a negative mindset, seeing herpes as something awful rather than something manageable. He was not willing to discuss solutions further such as me going on suppressant medication, condones, gloves or dental dams. He even knew that 70% of the people in this country have HSV1 strain, which I have and that 60-90% of people do not know they have herpes HSV1/HVS2. So he could find a new partner who doesn’t know they have it and he could get it. He could even have it himself, but when I asked he just said no, he did not answer when I asked if he has been tested for HSV1 as they do not test for herpes in STI screenings here. He chose to ignore all this out of ignorance, but just maybe if my HSV1 was on my mouth like most people’s, it would have been ok? I find GENITAL HERPES is more stigmatized than a ‘COLD SORE’.
It also made me wonder—was it just him, or was he being influenced by others? He came from a Muslim/Egyptian background, and I didn’t know if his culture played a role in how he viewed herpes. Maybe he was raised to see any kind of STI as unacceptable. I also knew that he had a friend who was extremely paranoid about STDs, and I couldn’t help but wonder if that friend’s fear had rubbed off on him.
If he was just going through the motions, pretending to accept me while secretly planning to leave, then that makes everything he did even worse. Sleeping with me, telling me he missed me, planning future dates—it would mean he was leading me on the entire time. And that thought is absolutely devastating, hurtful and cruel.
What Made You Trust That He Had Accepted It Before Becoming Intimate?
I trusted him because, in my mind, his actions spoke louder than words. He knew about my diagnosis. He knew the risks. I had been completely open with him, answering every question he had. And yet, despite all of that, he initiated sex first. He made the choice to move forward. He never told me it was a problem before we slept together. So why would I think otherwise?
After that first time, I thought we had reached an understanding. Yes, he seemed a little anxious the next morning, but he still reassured me that he wanted to see me again. He kissed me goodbye. He sent me messages telling me he missed me. He kept talking to me all week. If he was so uncomfortable with my diagnosis, why was he still acting like he wanted to be with me?
Then, the next time we saw each other, he initiated sex five times—not once, not twice, but five. And we only did what he was comfortable with. He was careful, using protection, making sure to follow precautions. But he never once told me, I don’t think I can do this. He never hinted that he was struggling with my diagnosis.
Looking back, I realize I had my own hesitation after that first time. His reaction the next morning had unsettled me. A part of me worried that he might not fully accept it. But then, when he continued to talk to me, continued to act affectionate, continued to see me, I let those fears fade. I thought he was adjusting, that he was getting more comfortable with everything over time.
I had no reason to believe he would suddenly leave. He was still talking about our future. He still wanted to go on trips together. He was saying all the right things, doing all the right things. So when he ended it out of nowhere, when he admitted he had been secretly panicking about herpes the entire time, it completely blindsided me. He had never communicated any of those feelings.
I trusted him because he acted like he had accepted it. But in reality, he had been lying to himself—and to me—the entire time. This devastated me as I had feelings for him and I felt stupid for thinking that our connection and his feelings for me would be enough to overcome HERPES.
Looking Back, Were There Any Red Flags in His Behavior Before Disclosure?
Yes, there were red flags. I just didn’t want to see them at the time.
At first, everything seemed perfect. He was kind, affectionate, and seemed genuinely interested in me. But looking back, there were little moments—subtle things—that should have made me question his character.
One of the biggest things I noticed was his lack of empathy. It wasn’t something he displayed outright, but there were moments where he showed little concern for others. He made judgmental comments about fat people, as if he looked down on them. That alone should have been a warning sign. If someone is quick to judge others, what’s stopping them from judging you when the time comes?
There was also this subtle control he tried to have over me. He would make little comments about what I wore, telling me that my Christmas dress was too tight and showed too much cleavage. He didn’t demand that I change, but he made it clear that he didn’t like other men looking at me. He made similar comments on other occasions, hinting that he wanted me to dress more conservatively if I was not around him. He only wanted me to wear nice clothes around him. But I wore what I wanted anyway, because I decide what I wear—not him.
Then there was the issue of independence. He told me he liked independent women, but then he would say things that contradicted that. He casually suggested that I should go part-time at work so I could spend more time with him, almost as if he wanted me to rely on him financially. And speaking of finances, he never let me pay for anything. At the time, I thought he was just being generous, but looking back, I wonder—was this his way of creating a power imbalance? Was he trying to make me feel dependent on him?
I also felt I put more effort into the relationship once he got me into a relationship, but I put this down to the fact he hadn’t past his driving test yet and it was easier for me to go to him. This was mainly communication.
His communication changed, too. In the beginning, we exchanged long messages, practically essays that took an hour to type. But once he “had” me in a relationship, that effort with the long messages started to fade a week and and half afterwards . I pointed it out to him, telling him that I missed our long conversations and I want to continue doing them. He kept promising to do them and kept breaking his promise. I brought this up again multiple times out of frustration, but he brushed it off and said it was “too much effort” and his change in department at work was more demanding so he has less time and that he prefers phone calls. I started to think my request was unreasonable as his job is intense with long hours. That should have been a sign, his broken promises and that I felt like he put on a fake persona in the beginning to win me over doing long messages, when he is in fact a bad texter. A person who truly wants to talk to you doesn’t see it as effort—they want to communicate.
There were also moments where he would go a whole day without messaging me. This was before I disclosed herpes. When I brought it up and told him that kind of silence didn’t sit right with me, he changed—for a while. But once I disclosed herpes, those communication issues started creeping back in. He would disappear for longer periods, ignoring my messages, making me feel uneasy. Toward the end, when I brought it up again, he just dismissed my feelings entirely.
I noticed he seemed to avoid conflict or go alone with a situation/ lie to avoid it. For example he lied to his parents pretending he was following Muslim practices when he didn’t believe in it. He also didn’t want to tell his parents about me yet because they wouldn’t approve as I am white and non religious. He didn’t want to have an argument with his dad about it.
The biggest red flag? He pressured me for sex before I was ready, when I told him from the start I wanted to wait a while for sex. He tried it on multiple times, and when I pushed him away and told him I want to wait longer, he would say things like, “But you’re my girl.” It made me feel guilty, like I was supposed to be giving him sex just because we were dating. It put extra pressure on me to disclose my herpes earlier than I wanted to—before I was emotionally prepared to have that conversation. But I held out.
In hindsight, all of these things were warning signs. His lack of empathy. His controlling tendencies. His shift in communication. His broken promises. His impatience with waiting for sex. They all pointed to someone who wasn’t truly capable of acceptance. I just didn’t see it until it was too late.
What Were the Most Hurtful Parts of His Reaction? Was It His Words, Actions, or the Way He Dismissed You?
The most painful part of his reaction was how he treated me the morning after we had sex. I had already disclosed everything to him—my diagnosis, the risks, the precautions. I was vulnerable, open, and honest with him. But when he overreacted the next morning and said that herpes was a “problem” for him, it shattered me. He had sex with me the night before, knowing exactly what he was getting into, yet now he acted like I was somehow diseased, something to be feared.
We talked about herpes again, and as I tried to reassure him, I could feel the tension in his voice. He seemed anxious, uncertain. Yet, he still spooned me, kissed me, and tried to initiate more intimacy. But then he kept stopping himself—every time he went to touch me, he’d freeze, like my skin was contagious, like I had the black plague. But at the same time, he wanted me to touch him. It was confusing, frustrating, and deeply hurtful.
I tried to pull away, turning my back to him, but he kept pushing. He’d say things like, “I don’t want to catch it,” but still, he kept trying. His behavior was so insensitive—it made me hysterically cry in front of him. I felt disgusting, rejected, and broken. In that moment, I thought he cared about me, that he would comfort me, but instead, he cried for a few seconds—just enough to make it seem like he was upset for me. Looking back, I now wonder if he was only crying to deflect from the real reason I was upset.
He finally acknowledged that he was being a dick, but it didn’t feel like enough. Being treated like I was carrying a deadly disease made me feel so small, so unworthy. I told him that I was scared—scared that he would throw away something real, something good, just because of herpes. And in that moment, he said, “Our relationship is perfect.” Those words were supposed to reassure me, but instead, they only left me more confused. How could he say that everything was perfect while simultaneously treating me like I was the problem?
What hurt even more was that after he dumped me, I couldn’t understand why he had done it. He didn’t give me any real explanation, other than the fact that I had herpes. That was it, his only reason to dump me. His decision to end things so quickly, felt so closed-minded, like he couldn’t see past the herpes to recognize everything good that we had between us. It wasn’t just about the herpes—it was about the connection, the way we had shared laughter, moments, and tenderness. But he ignored all of that and chose fear over everything else and disregarding something that could have been a great love story. It also hurts knowing that he let the stigma and fear associated with the virus, often stemming from misinformation and societal pressures get the better of him and that he chose to take the easy way out and run at the first hurdle. It also hurt me that he was not willing to discuss solutions. It also hurt me knowing he judged me for having herpes, that he now thought I wasn’t worthy of him and that he had discriminated against me just because of the herpes. It hurt me that he came to the decision to dump me so quickly, like I was nothing to him and it hurt. I felt like he didn’t deal with the situation in a mature way, he did not consider my feelings once and how hurtful his actions were to me and he showed no emotional intelligence.
His actions—how he had sex with me, knowing that he was planning to dump me—hurt me deeply. I felt like he had used me, like he had wanted to be intimate with me in order to justify his eventual rejection. I told him from the start that sex isn’t just sex for me. When he dumped me I questioned him, why did he sleep with me if herpes was a problem and he couldn’t answer the question. He never communicated any issues with me until the very last minute, which made me feel manipulated. I feel like he led me on for two and a half weeks, giving me false hope about a future that would never come. It was cruel.
And his words—they felt empty. He said he cared, he said he missed me, he said he wanted a future with me. But in the end, those words felt like lies. I believe if he truly had feelings for me, that he would of overcome the herpes. I’m the kind of person who speaks honestly, and I expect the same from others. I don’t appreciate when people say one thing and do another. He didn’t follow through on his promises, and that hurt me more than anything.
His actions, the way he treated me the morning after, his words and the way he dumped over the phone ‘just because I have Herpes’ all cut me deeply. When he dumped me, I told him I also don’t want to be with someone who is that closed minded and that I deserve more. Due to all this, I cut all ties with him to protect myself from further hurt and I told him that he would never hear from me again as there is no coming back from this.
How Has This Experience Impacted Your Self-Esteem and Confidence in Dating Now?
This experience has left me questioning myself, my worth, and my ability to ever truly trust someone again. Before I met him, I wasn’t looking for perfection, but I was hoping for honesty, acceptance, and love. Now, I feel like my diagnosis is a barrier—one that’s harder to overcome than I ever imagined. It’s also made me think, if a doctor cannot get past herpes, who can? I would have thought a doctor, if not anyone, would be the most accepting to herpes, as they are medical professionals with great medical knowledge.
I feel like no one I truly like will ever accept me. I’ve always found it hard to connect with people on a deep level, and now, I’m even more hesitant. Dating in your 30s is tough as it is, but with herpes, it feels almost impossible. I am wanting to date with the intention of marriage eventually and even kids, but I feel it is getting too late for me now being 34, and that finding love is rare and having herpes makes it even rarer. The fear of rejection, of someone not accepting me for who I am, weighs heavily on me. I’ve seen how quickly a person can change their mind about me once they learn about my diagnosis, and I’m terrified of going through that again.
This experience has made me believe that no matter how great the connection is, I’ll always be viewed through the lens of my herpes. I’m afraid that a future man will react the same way he did—like my diagnosis is something that defines me and makes me less of a person. It’s like I’m carrying this invisible weight that nobody can see, but everyone notices once it’s revealed.
I want to believe that one day someone will accept me fully, with all my flaws and past experiences, but right now, I’m just scared. I don’t know how to move past this fear, how to open myself up to someone else without feeling like I’m doomed to be rejected all over again.
It’s made hesitant to want to risk eventually dating again in the future only to be rejected again just because of herpes. Or maybe I just buy 10 cats and become a crazy cat lady as they wouldn’t reject me for herpes.
If You Could Go Back, Would You Change the Way You Disclosed, or Do You Believe His Reaction Was Inevitable?
Looking back, I truly think his reaction was inevitable. As much as I tried to prepare myself for it, deep down, I wasn’t sure he could ever truly accept me for who I was. Just before I disclosed my diagnosis, I went quiet for what felt like an eternity. I couldn’t get the words out. I was terrified of losing him. I knew this could change everything between us, and the fear of rejection made it so hard to even say the words. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. And he could tell—I could see the concern in his eyes. I didn’t want to lose him, but I also knew I had to be honest with him.
Once I finally said it, I tried my best to speak confidently, to give him all the information he needed, to assure him that it wasn’t as bad as he might have thought. But even though I spoke with as much confidence as I could muster, I still felt that lingering fear. His reaction was a shock at first, but in the end, I think it was the only reaction I could expect from someone who wasn’t truly prepared to accept it.
If I could go back, I might have tried to disclose earlier in the day, but it was difficult as I got to his in the evening time after I finished work and we went straight out for dinner at a restaurant. I told him late at night after we got back to his address from being out. Telling him late at night, made it harder to gauge his emotions or give him space to process, but I did not want to delay telling him anymore or wait until the next meeting. I couldn’t tell him in the morning as I had to leave for work the next late morning. I could have chosen a different moment, but every time I thought about it, I felt like it wasn’t the right time. Our dates were always in public places, and I didn’t want to bring something so personal up while we were out and about. I wanted it to be private, respectful—somewhere we could talk without distractions.
Maybe I could have disclosed earlier, but I did not want to disclose too early as I needed to know if he was genuinely interested, I need to build a level of trust and be emotionally ready to disclose something so private. I find it hard to trust people easy and I am used to seeing the worst in people being a police officer. I did not want someone using herpes against me disclosing too early. Looking back. I could have disclosed a week and a half or so earlier, but timing during the Christmas period made it even harder. I wanted to tell him after our winter wonderland date, a few days before Christmas Day. However, we got back very late and he had work early the next morning so the timing was not appropriate. He also made a herpes joke on the way home from winter wonderland when I dropped my Vaseline on the public floor and it broke open and again when we got back to his place, as he was joking about taking his herpes medication and this also put me off telling him on the is occasion as I didn’t know how to turn the conversation from jokey to serious. We didn’t see each other until New Years Eve, ten days later after winter wonderland. I picked him up after work on New Years Eve and cooked him a three course dinner and celebrated the new year together. The timing again was not appropriate, it didn’t feel right to discuss it on New years eve. I told him after our next dinner date a couple days later, which again was not perfect timing as it was late and night and I didn’t want to delay it anymore as we shared some kisses previously and he kept pushing for more, but I wouldn’t go past kissing. It was starting to stress me out. It was difficult to find the right moment to tell him, one which offered me enough for me to have the chance, and I wanted to do it face-to-face, to give him a chance to ask questions and not rush through it. But, honestly, I don’t think any of that would have changed how he reacted. I think it was always going to be a problem for him, no matter when or how I disclosed it.
Have You Spoken to Anyone Else Who Had a Similar Experience? If So, What Advice Resonated With You?
Yes, first off I spoke to three of my close friends about what happened and they all had the same reaction ‘WHAT THE FUCK! HE’S A DOCTOR’ and they all couldn’t believe he just dumped me JUST because of HERPES! However, none of my close friends has herpes, so they couldn’t relate to me. I then looked online to seek others who have gone through similar experiences, especially on Reddit. It helped to know that I wasn’t alone in this. Many people have shared their stories of how they disclosed their herpes diagnosis to someone, only to be met with reactions that were inconsistent or even harsh.
One common theme I noticed was how confused some of these people felt. After telling their partner about their diagnosis, they would be given mixed signals—like the partner would act okay with it at first but then slowly pull away, leaving them wondering if they had truly accepted it. Some even said that their partner seemed fine in the beginning, but then they just ghosted them, disappearing without any explanation. That part hit me hard because it was so similar to what I went through. It made me realize that this behavior is all too common.
There were also stories of people whose partners eventually came around after an initial rejection. But in those cases, the reaction wasn’t nearly as extreme as mine. They were given a chance to have an open conversation, to discuss options and solutions, and things slowly improved. It made me wish my situation had been different, that we could have talked about it more rather than him jumping to conclusions.
The most valuable advice I took from these stories was to never settle for someone who doesn’t fully accept you, herpes and all. It’s a reminder that my worth isn’t defined by my diagnosis. I’ve learned that it’s okay to expect someone to be open-minded, to be willing to understand and compromise. And if they can’t accept it, it’s not my fault—it’s their lack of empathy, not mine.
What Message Would You Want to Share with Others Who Are Afraid of Disclosing?
If you're afraid of disclosing your herpes diagnosis to a partner, I want you to know that you’re not alone in this fear. I know how terrifying it can be to open up about something so personal, especially when you don’t know how the other person will react. But you don’t have a choice. It’s something you have to do if you want to move forward with honesty in your relationship. It’s better to be upfront than to carry that burden around, hiding it and fearing that it might come out later.
But, at the same time, don't disclose it too early. Take your time, and make sure you've built trust with that person. You want to be sure they are someone you can truly rely on, someone who will listen with an open mind. Don’t feel pressured to disclose until you're ready—only when you feel like the relationship is moving in a direction where honesty is needed.
And when you do disclose, choose a private place. Make sure it’s somewhere you can talk openly and without distractions. A safe, calm setting where both of you can really listen to each other. It’s so important to have that conversation face-to-face, not over text or the phone. You deserve that respect, and it gives both of you a chance to express your feelings without the misunderstanding that can come with digital communication.
Trust is everything. If you don’t feel like they are worth the vulnerability, then maybe it’s not the right time to share. Your health, your emotions, and your trust are important. Make sure the person you’re with is someone who can handle it.
Also Read: Triton's personal syphilis story
