Hi, I’m David, and this is my story.

My HIV story begins the way most do — long before my diagnosis. It starts all the way back in 2004, the year of the hurricanes in Florida. The year my life changed in ways I never could have predicted.

I was serving in the Navy as a Hospital Corpsman when I met a man who would change my life forever. It was at the Training Command in Great Lakes, Illinois, where we were both preparing for the same path—learning to care for others as medical professionals in the military. He was in the class just behind mine, and from the moment I saw him walking across campus in his Navy working blues, I was captivated. His uniform was impeccably ironed, his posture straight, his stride confident yet effortless. There was an air of quiet self-assurance about him that drew me in immediately.

I knew I had to meet him.

I positioned myself in the courtyard, making sure I was in his path as he walked to class. When our eyes met, something clicked. There was no hesitation, no awkwardness — just an instant connection.

He was gentle in a way I wasn’t used to seeing in a military setting. His voice was soft and deliberate, as though every word he spoke had weight. English wasn’t his first language, though I never asked about his heritage — I simply assumed he was full-blooded Native American. He carried himself with a warmth and kindness that contrasted the tough exteriors of many of our peers, men who were training to head into war zones. He, however, didn’t seem like the type to hurt a fly.

We found our way to each other again during Field Medical Service School. One crisp, quiet North Carolina night, while I was on overnight duty, he surprised me beneath the branches of a great oak tree. We sat in the stillness of the night, staring at the stars in silence for what felt like hours. That was the moment I fell in love.

Our relationship endured for years, weaving through the complexities of military life. But love, like time, is ever-changing. We fought, we reconciled, we fought again. Eventually, the distance between us became more than just physical. One day, he was simply gone — taking everything valuable in our home and vanishing without a word.

I picked up the pieces of my heart and moved on. I met someone new. He was kind, he was gentle, and he made me feel safe.

I tell you this because I didn’t acquire HIV through reckless behavior or wild promiscuity — I acquired it through love. Through trust. Through monogamy.

## **Do you ever feel anger toward the person you contracted HIV from, or have you made peace with it?**

In 2012, after years of mysterious, unexplained illnesses, I received a message that would change everything. It was from an old friend, and the words were simple but devastating:

“Your ex has HIV. You need to get tested.”

A wave of disbelief crashed over me. My mind raced, trying to piece together the implications. Could this really be happening? Had I unknowingly been carrying the virus all this time?

Despite the shock, I responded with gratitude. I thanked her for letting me know and, perhaps surprisingly, asked her to send him my best wishes. We had long since lost touch, but I didn’t feel anger. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the right to — after all, my life had just been turned upside down — but what purpose would anger serve? It wouldn’t change the past, nor would it erase the virus from my body. So I made a choice. Instead of resentment, I focused on what I needed to do next.

I went to get tested with my partner, the person I loved and trusted. The wait for the results was agonizing, but deep down, I already knew. When the results came back, they confirmed my fears: We were both HIV-positive.

The weight of that moment was unbearable. I hadn’t just been living with the virus — I had unknowingly passed it on. The guilt was crushing. How long had I been carrying it? Had I missed the signs? Had there been a way to prevent this? The realization settled over me like a heavy fog: I had been living with untreated HIV for nearly a decade.

By the time I knew, my body had already suffered the consequences. My immune system was in shambles. I wasn’t just HIV-positive—I had full-blown AIDS. The virus had been silently attacking my body for years, unchecked and untreated, pushing me to the brink.

And yet, against all odds, I had survived.

I often reflect on that moment — the moment I learned the truth, the moment I had every reason to feel anger, betrayal, or regret. But instead, I chose something else. I chose to move forward. To fight. To live.

## **Have you ever lied about your status to avoid discrimination?**

I have never lied about my status. But I have had my truth stolen from me before I was ready to share it.

There’s a difference between keeping something private and being forced into silence. In the days after my diagnosis, I was still trying to process what it meant — to my life, my future, my relationships. I needed time to come to terms with it on my own terms, to figure out how to carry this new reality. But before I could even find the words to explain it to myself, someone else decided to speak for me.

A mutual friend, perhaps thinking they were helping, took it upon themselves to tell my mother.

The phone call was frantic, emotional, overwhelming. I could hear the fear in her voice, the desperation to understand. But the worst part? I had no control over my own story. Someone else had ripped it away from me, leaving me no choice but to react in real time to something I hadn’t even fully processed myself.

To this day, I carry resentment toward that person. Not because they told the truth, but because they took away my right to decide when and how to share it. That moment should have been mine to navigate. I should have been the one to sit down with my mother, to explain it in a way that made sense for both of us. Instead, it was stolen from me, and I was left picking up the pieces of a conversation I never had the chance to start.

The choice to disclose is deeply personal. No one should ever have to carry the weight of someone else’s judgment on when and how their story is told.

## **How do you handle the fear of rejection when dating or forming new relationships?**

At first, the fear consumed me. I thought no one would ever want to touch me again. That I was destined to be alone. The weight of my diagnosis felt heavier in the context of love and intimacy — as if the possibility of connection had been taken from me.

The biggest misconception about HIV is that it marks the end of love.

It doesn’t.

In fact, love still finds its way to you. And when it does, it feels even deeper, even stronger. It is love chosen with full knowledge, with open eyes and an open heart. Love that sees you as whole, not as a condition.

Still, the fear lingered. How do you bring it up? When is the right time? What if they walk away? The first time I told someone, my hands were shaking. I braced for rejection. But instead, I was met with curiosity, with understanding, with care. Not everyone reacted this way, of course. Some did walk away. And that hurt. But with time, I learned to separate their reaction from my worth. Their fear didn’t define me.

I reached an undetectable viral load just as the U=U movement gained traction. Undetectable = Untransmittable. It changed everything. It gave me the confidence to reclaim my place in the world of dating and relationships. I wanted to spread that message. I wanted people to understand that I wasn’t a threat, that I was still capable of love and intimacy.

And so, I began dating again.

At first, it was nerve-wracking. But with each conversation, I became more secure in my truth. I realized that honesty filters out those who aren’t meant for you. The right person won’t run. They will listen. They will see you beyond a medical status.

I am not unlovable. Neither are you.

The fear of rejection is real, but it does not have to control you. Love is still possible. Love is still yours to have.

## **What does suicidal ideation feel like when you're in the deepest part of it?**

I won’t sugarcoat it: when you have bipolar disorder, darkness is darker. It swallows you whole. The weight of it isn’t just emotional — it’s physical, pressing down on your chest, making it hard to breathe, hard to move, hard to be.

At my lowest, I spent countless nights praying for forgiveness, convinced that I had taken my partner’s life — not in a literal sense, but in the way my illness drained the light out of our world. The delusions felt real. Guilt carved itself into my bones. If I wasn’t pleading for forgiveness, I was begging to remember his face, terrified that one day, I would lose my sight completely and be left with nothing but a blurry, fading memory.

Sleep didn’t bring rest. It brought nightmares. In them, I saw my mother’s face, twisted with sorrow, haunted by the image of her son fading away before her eyes. I woke up drenched in sweat, gasping for air, only to realize that the nightmare wasn’t over — it just shifted into waking life.

I couldn’t look at my partner. The guilt was suffocating. I saw how tired he was, how much he tried to carry the weight I couldn’t hold myself. Romance felt impossible. How do you let someone love you when you don’t believe you deserve it? How do you keep someone close when all you do is hurt?

And yet, he stayed. He waited.

For ten years, he stayed.

And then, one day, he left.

It wasn’t a sudden explosion or an angry departure. It was quiet, like the final breath of a candle before the flame goes out. I don’t blame him. The waiting, the hoping, the holding on — it was too much. And I was too lost to stop it.

This is what suicidal ideation feels like in its deepest part: an aching, gnawing emptiness. A place where love tries to reach you, but you can’t hold onto it. A place where even the people who would never give up on you eventually have to save themselves.

But here’s what I’ve learned: even in the darkest places, the story doesn’t end there. The pain is real, but so is the possibility of light.

## **What is one thing that still scares you about your future with HIV?**

If there’s one thing that still scares me about my future with HIV, it’s the uncertainty. The what-ifs.

I worry about my health. Will my medications always work? Science has come so far, but viruses evolve. Bodies change. What happens if one day, my treatment isn’t enough?

I worry about growing old. HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was, but will I have someone by my side when I reach that stage of life? Will I still have love, companionship, support? Or will I face it alone, carrying the weight of this virus in solitude?

And then, there’s the fear that lingers in the back of my mind — will I get sick again? I’ve been there before, on the brink, watching my body fight for survival. I’ve felt the exhaustion of an immune system pushed to its limits. I never want to go back. But I also know that nothing is guaranteed.

Yet, in those moments of fear, I remind myself of one undeniable truth: I have already survived the worst.

And I will keep surviving.

Because that’s what I do. That’s what I’ve always done.

## **Are you afraid that your status will limit your opportunities in the medical field?**

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never let my HIV status dictate my ability to care for others. Long before my diagnosis, I worked with people living with HIV. And long after, I continued to do so — because my diagnosis didn’t change my passion or my competence as a medical professional.

I was stationed at The National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, where I was selected to work in Hematology and Oncology. At the time, we were still relying on AZT as a frontline treatment, and the discovery of Highly Effective Antiretroviral Therapy (HAART) was just beginning to change the landscape of HIV treatment. That experience gave me an intimate understanding — not just of the virus itself, but of how it spreads, and more importantly, how it doesn’t.

Universal precautions exist for a reason. When used properly, they eliminate the risk of transmission. There is no real danger to my colleagues or my patients. But still, I choose to disclose my status—just in case of an emergency. Not because I have to, but because I believe in transparency and trust in a professional setting.

I know, as a medical professional, that my status does not make me a threat. My job is to care for others, and my responsibility is to care for myself — staying adherent to treatment, staying undetectable, staying well.

I have never been afraid of taking care of anyone because of HIV.

And if you’re a professional, you know better.

## **Do you believe in an afterlife, and do you think your mother and dogs are watching over you?**

Yes. Without a doubt.

I see them in my dreams — my mother, my dogs, and all the love I’ve lost. Sometimes, it feels like they visit me, lingering in the quiet moments between sleep and waking. I feel their presence in ways I can’t always explain, like a warmth that settles in my chest when I need it most, or a sudden memory that surfaces just when I need guidance.

When I'm down, I go into nature. My mother loved the beauty of Florida — the stillness of the trees, the rhythm of the waves, the way the sunlight filters through the leaves. She always found peace in the world around her, and now, I find her there too. I listen for the bird calls, and whenever I see a red cardinal, I stop and watch. It was her favorite. And in those moments, I know she is near.

I don’t need proof to believe they’re watching over me. I just know.

## **What’s one thing HIV has given you that you never expected?**

A voice and a purpose.

HIV took so much from me — my health, my sense of security, my belief that life would always follow a predictable path. But in return, it gave me something I never expected: the ability to help others in ways I never imagined.

When I reached undetectable, I realized that my journey wasn’t just about survival. It was about showing others that they could survive too. The emotional wounds — the fear, the shame, the uncertainty — don’t heal overnight. But I found that the best way to mend my own was to help others navigate theirs.

I started advocating, both at my clinic and online, connecting with people who were desperate for hope. I saw firsthand how a kind word, a shared experience, or just the reassurance that they weren’t alone could make all the difference. It’s one thing to tell someone that life goes on after an HIV diagnosis — it’s another to prove it by living.

My story isn’t just mine anymore. It belongs to every person who feels lost, every person who needs a little encouragement to keep going. And if I can be that for even one person, then this journey — every hardship, every moment of doub t— has been worth it.

## **What’s the biggest misconception about living with HIV?**

The biggest misconception about living with HIV? That it’s the end.

I hear it all the time — the moment someone is diagnosed, the first thought that floods their mind is that their life is over. That everything they hoped for, everything they planned, is suddenly out of reach. Relationships, careers, dreams — all of it feels like it’s slipping away.

I know that feeling. I’ve lived it. I understand the fear, the grief, the suffocating sense of isolation. But I also know something else: HIV is not the end.

I almost died. My body had been through years of untreated infection. My immune system was on the brink of collapse. But I survived. And in that survival, I found something even more powerful than fear — I found hope.

Life after HIV doesn’t mean settling for less. It doesn’t mean giving up on love, happiness, or purpose. It means adjusting, learning, and moving forward. It means realizing that grief is part of the process, but it doesn’t have to define you.

So to anyone who feels like it’s over, like they’re alone in this — you're not. There is life after diagnosis, and it’s still yours to live. And if you need someone to walk that path with you, I’m here. We can do this together.

## **When you imagine your happiest future, what does it look like?**

When I close my eyes and picture my happiest future, it’s simple — but it’s everything.

Love. Stability. Family.

I imagine a quiet evening, the kind where time slows down. A porch bathed in golden light, the sky streaked with the warm hues of a setting sun. The rhythmic creak of rocking chairs as we sit side by side, content in the silence, in the presence of each other.

And then, laughter — pure, unfiltered joy. A little girl runs toward us, her giggles filling the air, her small feet kicking up the last bits of daylight. She knows she is safe. She knows she is loved.

This dream comes to me often, like a whisper, reminding me of why I advocate, why I fight, why I refuse to let fear win. Because at the end of it all, what I want is not extraordinary. It’s not impossible. It’s love, a home, a family — a future built on hope, not on fear.

Thank you for listening.

If my story gives even one person hope, then it was worth sharing. Love, even when it scares you. We heal through each other.

You are never alone.

I am your friend.

**Also Read: 22-year-old woman's** [**<u>personal HIV story</u>**](https://www.shamelesspath.com/blog/std-stories/how-i-reclaimed-my-life-after-hpv-hsv2-diagnosis)

<p>I unknowingly gave someone HIV. The guilt consumed me, but this isn’t just about regret — it’s about survival, resilience, and finding love again.</p>

I Gave Someone HIV — Now Read That Again Without Hate

I unknowingly gave someone HIV. The guilt consumed me, but this isn’t just about regret — it’s about survival, resilience, and finding love again.

I Gave Someone HIV — Now Read That Again Without Hate

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