I thought I was just being clean.

Deployment is hot. It’s long hours, long days, and a never-ending cycle of sweat that soaks through your uniform and clings to you like a second skin. I just wanted to feel human again. Tidy. In control. So I shaved.

It wasn’t the first time. I used a fresh razor, like always. But a few days later, I noticed a few bumps — flesh-colored, tiny, barely noticeable unless you were looking for them. I figured it was folliculitis. I’d had it before. I still had the mupirocin cream from the last time, so I used it and tried not to overthink it.

But this time, it didn’t go away.

I’m Adventurous-View-852, a 21-year-old guy in the military. I've been deployed for six months. I’ve stayed faithful to my wife, tried to keep my focus, tried not to let the environment get to me. But something about this—this virus, whatever it was—started getting under my skin in every sense. I didn’t just feel physically uncomfortable. I felt ashamed.

The bumps didn’t go away. They spread. Slowly, but enough for me to panic. I went to the medic. Then to a doctor. Then to another one. They tossed around terms—"molluscum contagiosum," "viral infection," "harmless but stubborn." It was contagious. Skin-to-skin. Sometimes sexually transmitted, sometimes not. I didn’t know how to explain it to my wife. I didn’t even know how to explain it to myself.

Was I dirty? Did I do something wrong? Was it from the shower? The gym? The base? Was it my fault?

They told me it was common. That it wasn’t a big deal. But they didn’t live in my skin. They didn’t see the look in my wife’s eyes when I told her. They didn’t hear the edge in my voice when I started second-guessing my own story. They didn’t feel the self-disgust, the obsessive urge to check my body in the mirror, to scrub myself raw in the shower. They didn’t know what it was like to feel betrayed by your own body while still trying to show up and do your job every damn day.

The virus lingered for months. Treatments helped, then didn’t. I kept asking for help, but the responses started to feel colder, more clinical, like I was overreacting. I was told to “wait it out,” to “be patient,” to “keep things clean.” I felt dismissed. Alone. Like my concerns didn’t matter because I was still functioning, still on my feet, still checking boxes.

But inside, something was changing.

I didn’t see my body the same way anymore. I didn’t trust it. I didn’t trust doctors as easily, either. I started questioning the system that told me to “suck it up” but also expected me to stay mission-ready. I started noticing how hard it is to get proper care when your issue doesn’t look dramatic enough. When it’s quiet, hidden, viral.

This experience taught me a lot about shame. About the things we carry under the surface. About how quickly your sense of control, of cleanliness, of strength, can unravel.

And it taught me that healing—really healing—isn’t just about getting rid of the virus. It’s about forgiving yourself. Talking through it. Holding space for the confusion. And realizing that your worth isn’t tied to what’s on your skin, but how you carry yourself through the fire.

I’m still working on that last part. But I’m trying. Every day.

## **The Diagnosis That Didn’t Land**

When I finally saw the doctor on base, he gave it to me straight — molluscum contagiosum.

I remember just nodding, pretending I understood. I’d never heard of it before. He called it a skin virus. Said it was nothing serious. “Should go away in a month,” he added, almost as an afterthought.

That was four months ago.

And that’s the part that still loops in my mind like a bad rerun — I trusted the word month.

I built my coping mechanisms around that timeframe. I told myself, Okay, just hang in there for thirty days. You can do anything for thirty days.

But day thirty came and went. Then sixty. Then ninety.

And the virus? Still there. Still me.

What I didn’t know — what no one really told me — is how quietly stubborn this virus can be. It doesn’t flinch at soap or schedules. It doesn’t care if you keep to yourself, if you haven’t touched another person in weeks.

It doesn’t care if you’re a model of discipline, or if your life is already fraying at the edges from being deployed, disconnected, and trying every day just to stay mentally intact in a place that wears you down.

It just stays.

It becomes background noise. A silent passenger. A reminder that even when you think you’re in control, your body can betray you in the smallest, most persistent ways.

## **The Invisible Toll: Body Meets Shame**

You know what’s worse than bumps on your skin? The way your own brain quietly turns against your body. At first, I thought I was being careful. Responsible, even.

I started washing everything—my towels, my sheets, my hands. Over and over. Then came the thoughts. Scrubbed and rinsed and repeated until they felt clean enough to live with.

Everything had to be sterile.

I wasn’t just fighting a virus anymore. I was fighting the idea of being dirty. I couldn’t look at myself without flinching. Every time I caught my reflection, my mind whispered contaminated. It didn’t matter that it was harmless on paper. It didn’t matter that the doctor said “not a big deal.”

I felt like a walking biohazard.I stopped imagining what it would be like to come home to my wife. I couldn’t picture her hugging me, touching me, wanting me. I couldn’t let her. Because no part of me wanted to risk giving this to her—even if the odds were low. Even if the science said it was unlikely.

That’s how shame works.

It doesn’t need facts. It just needs a crack in your self-image. And this virus found one.

What started as a few bumps slowly unraveled everything I thought I had under control. I was spiraling, quietly. And nobody noticed. Because it was hidden. Because it lived in the shadows of my uniform, under layers of silence. Because it was “just a skin thing.” And skin things, apparently, don’t warrant real concern.

But it was real. It was my body. And it was breaking me.

## **Deployment With a Secret**

I was still doing my job — on time, in uniform, meeting every expectation. No slip-ups, no missed tasks. From the outside, nothing seemed off. But inside, I was unraveling. Spiraling, quietly.

It started with questions I couldn’t stop asking myself: Did I do something wrong? Did I miss something? How could this happen? I hadn’t slept with anyone. I hadn’t broken any rules. And yet, there it was. A rash, a symptom, a sign — something showing up on my skin and staying lodged in my thoughts. I couldn’t ignore it, but I also couldn’t talk about it.

There were no answers. No straightforward treatment. Just vague medical terms and follow-ups that felt more clinical than human. And then there was the silence. Not just from others, but from me too. Because who do you go to with something like this when you're supposed to be the strong one? When you're supposed to be focused on the mission?

That kind of silence grows heavy. It gets in your head. You start feeling like you’re carrying something invisible but crushing. And it messes with you — being far from home, in a place where you're already on edge, wearing a uniform that tells the world you’re dependable, resilient, unshakeable… all while feeling like your own body has turned against you.

People think deployment is just about the obvious stuff — combat zones, long hours, homesickness. But it’s also about what you carry that no one else sees. The things that don’t show up in briefings or get mentioned in letters home. The quiet fears. The shame. The isolation.

This was mine. And I had to live with it every single day.

## **Coming Home & Still Not Whole**

When I finally got back, I did the thing I should’ve been able to do months ago: I booked an appointment. Just an ordinary step — seeing a provider, hoping for a referral to a dermatologist. It sounds simple. It should be simple. But even that felt like a small act of reclaiming control. And now I wait. Again.

Through it all, my wife has been extraordinary. She knows the full story — every detail, every doubt, every late-night worry. And still, she’s stood beside me with a patience and love I probably don’t deserve. But there’s this ache I can’t seem to shake. Like I’m holding something back — not a secret, but my body itself. Like I’m shielding her from something, even though I don’t want to. Even though she’s earned nothing but closeness.

We waited six long months to be together again. Countless texts, calls, and imagined moments finally leading to this reunion. And yet, when we’re in the same room, I flinch from intimacy — not out of fear of her, but out of fear of myself. Out of what I’ve become. Of what I might pass on. Of the unknowns that still hang in the air.

There’s a particular kind of grief that comes when your own skin no longer feels like home. When your body, the very thing meant to connect you with the people you love, becomes a barrier instead. It’s a quiet mourning — not loud or dramatic — but persistent. A soft, internal heartbreak every time you pull away when you want to lean in. Every time you say “not yet” when your heart screams “please.”

This isn’t just about healing — it’s about waiting to be whole enough to be close again. And not knowing how long that wait will last.

## **Resilience Isn’t Clean or Linear — But It’s Mine**

This whole experience has cracked me open in ways I didn’t expect. At first, it was just about the physical symptoms — something that looked minor on paper. Molluscum contagiosum. Harmless, they said. Common. Nothing to worry about. 

But no one tells you how something “harmless” can still mess with your head. No one warns you about the shame that creeps in when the condition shows up in the most intimate parts of your body. Or how that shame quietly takes root—silently, persistently — until you start avoiding mirrors, flinching from touch, questioning your worth.

And for men? It’s even more silent. We’re taught not to talk about these things. To just “man up,” tough it out, wait it out. Keep it to yourself. Don't be dramatic. Don’t show weakness. But silence doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it heavier. And over time, that silence starts to eat at you — your confidence, your sense of self, your ability to show up fully in relationships. It becomes more than a skin issue. It becomes a soul issue.

But here’s what I’ve also learned: shame cannot survive being spoken out loud. The moment I started talking about it — to my wife, to a provider, even to myself with honesty — something shifted. I wasn’t as scared anymore. I stopped shrinking around it. I realized that being honest about what you’re going through isn’t weakness; it’s strength. Real strength.

I’m no longer afraid to tell a doctor everything. I’m not embarrassed to explain the uncomfortable parts. Because I’ve come to understand that health isn’t just the absence of infection. Health is also mental. Emotional. Relational. It’s the ability to advocate for yourself, to demand care when you need it — even if you're deployed. Especially if you're deployed.

This experience taught me that healing starts when the silence ends. And that speaking up — about your body, your fears, your needs — isn’t just an act of courage. It’s a form of self-respect.

## **If You’re Reading This, And You’re in the Same Boat**

Please — whatever you’re feeling right now — don’t beat yourself up.

You’re not dirty.

You’re not weak.

You’re not broken.

And you are definitely not alone.

Whether you got this from sex, from a razor, from a towel at the wrong place at the wrong time — or from some mystery you’ll never quite solve — none of that makes you less worthy of care, dignity, or compassion.

I know how isolating it can feel. How something small on the surface can spiral into anxiety, self-doubt, and shame. How quickly your body can start to feel like a stranger. But you are not the condition. You’re a whole person who deserves patience and gentleness — especially from yourself.

So please, treat yourself with care. With softness. With kindness. Ask for help. See a doctor. Talk to someone you trust. Remind yourself that healing is not just about ointments and waiting games — it’s also about self-forgiveness, letting go of stigma, and choosing not to let silence win.

And if you're a provider reading this: we need you.

We need you to know that these so-called "minor" skin conditions? They can carry major emotional weight. Especially for those of us far from home, trying to keep it together. We need your compassion as much as your prescriptions. We need to feel safe in the room with you — safe to tell the truth, ask the awkward questions, and be met with empathy, not judgment.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

I’m Adventurous-View-852.

And I’m still healing.

Physically, yes — but emotionally too.

And that part takes time. And care. And courage.

If you’re here, reading this, maybe you're already starting your own healing.

And I’m rooting for you.

**Also Read: Crafty's** [**<u>personal HIV story</u>**](https://www.shamelesspath.com/blog/std-stories/finding-strength-after-hiv-diagnosis)

<p>I struggled with a skin condition during deployment, battling both physical discomfort and the shame that came with it. Here's what I learned about healing.</p>

Fighting Shame in a Military That Demands Perfection

I struggled with a skin condition during deployment, battling both physical discomfort and the shame that came with it. Here's what I learned about healing.

Fighting Shame in a Military That Demands Perfection

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